I've been on a major blogging break. I wish I could say that I have been off living an exciting life, but that's not true. I just lost touch with the blog. It started to feel like work and artificial. I was writing for feedback- hoping for comments and positive feedback. While all that is good, it wasn't the reason I started the blog. This is supposed to be my outlet. While I hope to connect with people, I have to let go of my need to "people please." It began to be stressful to be true to myself while wondering if myself is "good enough."
So, I'm going back to the basics- just writing; documenting, contemplating, dreaming. I've grown ( a little bit anyway) and am starting to get comfortable in my skin. I love my life and am very blessed. I've begun to refuse to second guess that. It's a choice that I have to make everyday. I choose gratefulness, contentment, happiness, joy. I choose to live my life knowing that someone, somewhere would give anything to be in my shoes. How dare I take for granted that which someone else would trade anything for.
I've set some goals for myself- one of which is to write again (via this blog for now). I hope that through this I can do some self-discovery, archive memories, connect, reminisce, just be me.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, November 8, 2010
Frustrated with Myself
It's been a bit since I blogged. I am doing pretty well with the quitting smoking thing and that had gotten me thinking of other ways to be healthy. I need to lose about 15-20lbs, actually, I've needed to lose it for several years. Problem is, I have no will power. God and I are really working on this, but I just keep giving in to my cravings. I feel like a failure in that aspect. Like, I pray about it sincerely, but the next time a cookie shows up in the break room, I am the first one there. How is that I can so strongly believe in God's strength and willingness/desire to come in and heal our lives, yet I still cave... every.single.time? I just don't get it. Ugh. And I do feel like its a reflection on my faith. Like, maybe I only think I've given it up to God and really haven't. B/c if I had then it would be solved, right? But, if that's true, then what am I doing wrong? And then the downward spiral begins because I start questioning my faith in other areas. Thinking, if I'm not doing the will power thing right, then what else do I have wrong. Before it's all said and done, I've pretty much convinced myself that I am just a bad christian.
Did you follow all that rambling? Yeah, I'm pretty frustrated with myself right now.
Sorry, just venting.
Did you follow all that rambling? Yeah, I'm pretty frustrated with myself right now.
Sorry, just venting.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Confessional: It's Quit Day
I have a confession to make.
I am a smoker. Not a frequent, count down the minutes to break and pull my hair if I miss it, kind of smoker. But here and there, maybe at the end of the day (or a little more often on the weekends), I light up.
But I've been doing "occasional" or "social" smoking since I was 15!!! So, for almost 16 years, I have inhaled this nasty, vile, poisonous mixture. And convinced myself it was okay, because I don't smoke packs a day. Heck, I don't even smoke a pack a week, usually.
But it is not okay. It's gross. And even one cigarette is a poor influence on my little man who I am trying to teach to be healthy.
So (after careful thought and planning)....
Today Is Quit Day!!!!
My sister and I are doing this together. I desperately want to be successful for her, too, so that she can have confidence to continue on.
Pray for us both, please. As with many of our habits, it isn't just a physical addiction. There is more often than not a spiritual aspect. I tried to hide it even from God (why do we do this?). But now, I am giving up the facade. I know that on my own, my attempts will be futile. But with his strength, I can do it!
I am a smoker. Not a frequent, count down the minutes to break and pull my hair if I miss it, kind of smoker. But here and there, maybe at the end of the day (or a little more often on the weekends), I light up.
But I've been doing "occasional" or "social" smoking since I was 15!!! So, for almost 16 years, I have inhaled this nasty, vile, poisonous mixture. And convinced myself it was okay, because I don't smoke packs a day. Heck, I don't even smoke a pack a week, usually.
But it is not okay. It's gross. And even one cigarette is a poor influence on my little man who I am trying to teach to be healthy.
So (after careful thought and planning)....
Today Is Quit Day!!!!
My sister and I are doing this together. I desperately want to be successful for her, too, so that she can have confidence to continue on.
Pray for us both, please. As with many of our habits, it isn't just a physical addiction. There is more often than not a spiritual aspect. I tried to hide it even from God (why do we do this?). But now, I am giving up the facade. I know that on my own, my attempts will be futile. But with his strength, I can do it!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thy Will Be Done
This morning, I want to share a little story with you. Stick with me, though, and I promise I will make sense of it in the end.
A few years ago, my son (Darin) got pink eye. Lovely, right? He was about 3 at the time and had never had it before. Having a history of ear infections, he was usually very cooperative taking oral medications. So, I thought nothing of it when the doctor prescribed some eye drops. Once we got home, armed with the eye drops, I tell D its time for the medicine. He agrees. Then I take out the bottle and he looks at it funny. Then I explain that he will need to lean his head back on my lap and I am going to put a couple drops in his eye. He did not comply. I tried to reason with him (yes, tried to reason with a toddler, I know...). He ran from me. This went on and on. Eventually, I had to take hold of him, lay him on the floor while I essentially forced the drops in his eye. And I found myself saying this:
"I know you're scared. You've never had this happen before. But believe me that the only way to make your eye better is to use these drops. Trust me that I would never hurt you."
It didn't work. He still fought. I tried to explain that I was going to have to do it either way, but it would be less painful and quicker if he'd just cooperate.
Over the last few days, in my life, a common theme has been popping up (seems like that's how God speaks to me). In several devotions, my bible readings, and on the radio I keep hearing "Thy will be done." And, as I was thinking about this theme, questioning what it meant to my life personally, the previous story came to mind.
God has a plan. A plan to redeem us, save us, share the kingdom with us. He has a plan to heal us. But that plan is a process. And during that process, we will face pain, discomfort, confusion, fear... But God holds the medicine. Just like Darin, His plan might include something we've never seen or dealt with before, but trust that it has healing power. And, just like in the story, we can fight it, struggle against Him, question every turn, but His plan WILL be done. Yet, God desires our cooperation. He longs for us to trust Him.
So that is my prayer for us this week. Not just that His Will Be Done (b/c that is going to happen anyway) but for our peace, trust and cooperation while it's happening.
"I know you're scared. You've never had this happen before. But believe me that the only way to make your eye better is to use these drops. Trust me that I would never hurt you."
It didn't work. He still fought. I tried to explain that I was going to have to do it either way, but it would be less painful and quicker if he'd just cooperate.
Over the last few days, in my life, a common theme has been popping up (seems like that's how God speaks to me). In several devotions, my bible readings, and on the radio I keep hearing "Thy will be done." And, as I was thinking about this theme, questioning what it meant to my life personally, the previous story came to mind.
God has a plan. A plan to redeem us, save us, share the kingdom with us. He has a plan to heal us. But that plan is a process. And during that process, we will face pain, discomfort, confusion, fear... But God holds the medicine. Just like Darin, His plan might include something we've never seen or dealt with before, but trust that it has healing power. And, just like in the story, we can fight it, struggle against Him, question every turn, but His plan WILL be done. Yet, God desires our cooperation. He longs for us to trust Him.
So that is my prayer for us this week. Not just that His Will Be Done (b/c that is going to happen anyway) but for our peace, trust and cooperation while it's happening.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Falling for Fall
This year is really the first time I've realized just how much I love this season. It's such a beautiful time in Missouri, with the leaves changing colors and the pretty pumpkins, gourds, etc. Plus, I don't mind wearing a few extra layers of clothes (and I'm sure there are others' that aren't sorry I put away my shorts :) ).
This past Sunday, I went with D and my mom to a locally owned garden center for their Fall Open House. They had a bounce house, face painting, balloon twisting and lots of pumpkins and mums! There was also a straw maze, but D wouldn't go in to far. Small spaces make him a little anxious (me, too, in all honesty).
D knew right away how he wanted his face painted:
The balloon twisting was really good, too. I am not sure how well you can see his balloon spider in this picture. The long white balloon is the thread with the black spider on top (the middle-left in the pic).
This past Sunday, I went with D and my mom to a locally owned garden center for their Fall Open House. They had a bounce house, face painting, balloon twisting and lots of pumpkins and mums! There was also a straw maze, but D wouldn't go in to far. Small spaces make him a little anxious (me, too, in all honesty).
D knew right away how he wanted his face painted:
The balloon twisting was really good, too. I am not sure how well you can see his balloon spider in this picture. The long white balloon is the thread with the black spider on top (the middle-left in the pic).
We are so lucky to live in a town that has so many fun (and free) offerings. I sincerely hope you are enjoying this season and finding time to appreciate the beauty. I pray that during this time of change you will also reflect on the beauty of your own life and all the work that God is doing inside of you as well.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Procrastination is my Drug of Choice
It's true. As much as I say I am going to plan ahead and put things on my calendar a month in advance, I still wait to the last minute. A lot of us do. But you know what I realized today as I was writing a letter to other kindergarten parents.
The letter about an upcoming Halloween Party our class is having.
You know, the one that I wanted to go out tomorrow in take home folders.
Yeah, that letter that I should already be written.
Anyway........ I realized that I kind of get a rush. Like an adrenaline rush with a little high when the product of my procrastination still turns out great. The rush of activity elevates my mood and I feel confident and successful.
It's my drug.
And, much like other drugs, I'm not proud of it. Until now, I wouldn't "brag" about my ability to successfully procrastinate. Yet, I continue to do it. I know that I don't necessarily plan to do things at the last minute just for that brief "high", but the elevated mood, extra energy, and sense of accomplishment certainly don't keep stop me.
Is it just me or do some of you reading also love the rush of a rushed job well done?
The letter about an upcoming Halloween Party our class is having.
You know, the one that I wanted to go out tomorrow in take home folders.
Yeah, that letter that I should already be written.
Anyway........ I realized that I kind of get a rush. Like an adrenaline rush with a little high when the product of my procrastination still turns out great. The rush of activity elevates my mood and I feel confident and successful.
It's my drug.
And, much like other drugs, I'm not proud of it. Until now, I wouldn't "brag" about my ability to successfully procrastinate. Yet, I continue to do it. I know that I don't necessarily plan to do things at the last minute just for that brief "high", but the elevated mood, extra energy, and sense of accomplishment certainly don't keep stop me.
Is it just me or do some of you reading also love the rush of a rushed job well done?
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