I wish I wasn't writing this post.
I wish I had a rock solid, never questioning, always faithful belief in and understanding of God.
But I don't always.
Where does my faith fall short? What aspect of Christianity finds me sometimes wavering?
After a lot of thought, prayer, soul searching, I've come to realize that I have a real problem with grace. A problem understanding and accepting grace. I believe it in my head, but just can't get my heart around it. I can believe God created the world. I know Jesus came to die for our sins. I believe every word in the bible. It's just so hard to get grace. I mean really get it.
Because for me, that would mean not only forgiving myself for all those ways that I don't quite "measure up", but also forgiving, truly forgiving, those that have also hurt me. And it means that grace also extends to serial killers, child molesters, rapists and terrorists. All it takes for forgiveness, for the gift of grace is an acceptance of Christ. And this is where my heart doesn't meet up with my head.
God doesn't see or measure each of our acts against one another. He hates all sin and we all sin. So, he did planned the one way for us to get back to Him, through Him. But that doesn't make it any easier sometimes.
This is where I fall short every time. I don't question God when a disaster happens, or a loved one dies or my life isn't going the way I think it should. It is always "How o how Lord can you love us, all of us, so much that you will forgive ANYONE and EVERYONE?" "How do you not differentiate between sin?" "Am I really no better than a child molester and no worse than the leader of my church?"
I don't understand. I will never understand this side of eternity. But what I am beginning to see is that I am asking the wrong question. It shouldn't be "how can you, Lord?" It should be "how can I be more like you?" So my prayer for this week is that I begin to see myself and others as God does. With his heart and not mine.
Someone once gave the following example: God is a perfectly white tablecloth. Imagine even the tiniest black spot on it, and how it would contrast and stick out.
ReplyDeleteI see grace as an extension (a great big extension) of my love for The Kiddo. No matter what she does, no matter how she may disappoint me in the future, she is, and will always be, my child. It's a relationship that can't be broken.
God is our Father. He is EVERYONE's Father. And so we are all just wayward prodigal sons and daughters. The depth of His love amazes me, but if I question it, I sound like The Kiddo when she says, "If they had given you another little girl who wasn't me at the orphanage, would you have been sad?"
Clear as mud? I'm saying a prayer for you!
I can very much relate to this post! I often find myself wondering these same things... hopefully one day when we are in heaven, it will all become clear! Although, maybe at that point, it won't even matter anymore! We'll just be lovin' on Jesus!! :)
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